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Warpshadow.com • View topic - Tyranid Story: Carpathia Overrun, by me


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 Post subject: Tyranid Story: Carpathia Overrun, by me
PostPosted: Fri Oct 01, 2004 8:47 pm 
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Biomass
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Joined: Tue Sep 28, 2004 5:53 pm
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Location: Maryland, USA
Hey guys, i just wrote a Tyranid story, it's about 3 pages long, size 12 font. i decided to put it up here first to see what u guys can tell me, if u have any imput, plz tell. here it is:

Carpathia Overrun


Michael Darson was a scribe for inquisitor Kyptman. Kyptman had been forwarded a distress call that had been received by a marine ship in the Carpathia star system. The distress call had been sent by a transport ship, it was a large cargo ship with no large armaments and not a large crew in comparison to its size.
“This is the -aptin of cargo -ip Lan-th, we ha- been b-rded. They -ave taken mo- of the
sh-p. SOS! I rep-t. S-! They’ve -aken th- bridge! We a- not I- cont-l of the -ip. SO-. We’re going
dow–“ and that was the end of the message, there was no image, it was only a voice message. Kyptman suspect that a small splinterfleat of Genestealers had boarded the ship, and that was why he was here. Kyptman had gotten General James Hoffman and his Imperial Guard to join him. Kyptman had decided to come in person to this particular event and bring Darson with him because he wanted to see if the Genestealers had evolved any significant amount more, and he had asked Darson to record anything that might happen. Darson was honored to be the scribe chosen out of the large group Kyptman had, even though he knew it was done by randomly. Kyptman had chosen Hoffman because of his experience with them, he was not known to well, and that was why he had chosen him, so many Generals had fallen to the Tyranids by either underestimating them, or over estimating themselves.
As the force moved under the thin tree cover Darson saw the a rocky outcrop to their left, it was bigger that an outcrop, closer to a mountain, he thought. It had and ominous sense to it, but he daren’t say anything to anyone as, he was only a petty scribe and wouldn’t be taken seriously and may even be punished for questioning the inquisitors actions, and didn’t want to know what might happen to him if he was accused of such a thing. Still, he didn’t like the mountain, it almost scared him to see it there, the dark stone protruding from the trees reminded him of the desolation Tyranids could change a planet into.
“Permissions to speak freely inquisitor?” General Hoffman almost yelled in a clearly military manner.
“Granted,” Kyptman said, in a very questionable manner, almost as if he didn’t want to hear what Hoffman had to say.
“Sir, do you think all these troops are necessary? Didn’t you say it was just small splinter force?” He said, motioning his hand toward the basilisk’s giant canon.
“Hoffman,” Kyptman answered in an annoyed tone, “you can never be too sure with Tyranids. Yes, it probably is just a small group of genestealers, but I want to be sure we can take them out before they can get into close. As I’m sure you know it is highly dangerous to engage just one genestealer, even with a squad of heavily armored terminators it can be deadly.”
General Hoffman looked down of the side of the truck in disappointment, he hadn’t gotten quite the answer he was looking for, a “probably” wasn’t good enough for him. He had seen what Tyranids do to planets to, and he definitely didn’t like it.
Darson looked around him. There weren’t very any animals around that might be interesting due to the annoying rumble of large tanks and machinery, he would have liked for it to be a lot quieter, he hated noise, a major downfall for him as he lived on a hive world and had never gotten a chance to take a path through the woods witch he greatly wanted to do.

Darson looked almost hesitantly back at the mountain. It was still there, desolate and unforgiving. It seemed to stretch out far into the horizon, he could only just see where the mountain smoothed back down to the eternal forest.
As Darson was staring at the mountain he noticed that the mountain it began to get darker, just what he needed now, clouds. The conditions were bad enough already. Normally Darson would have welcomed rain that was not toxic like the rain on his home world, but he didn’t really want it to get any more humid than I the forest world was already. But when Darson peered toward the sky, he saw no clouds, the sky was clear, it was a bright sunny day.
The Darson realized what it was. A soldier said it first, “They’re flanking us!” He yelled.
Gen. Hoffman jumped to his binoculars, took a short glance in the direction of the shadow that immediately started shouting orders to his troops, “Okay men! They found us! Turn west!” Then he looked down to Kyptman who still sat calmly in the seat or the truck. “Large Tyranid force advancing from the west sir.”
“Do what you have to general.” He said in his calm voice.
“Back off! Las guns to the front!” He said motioning his hands to tell the troops to back away. “Basilisk! Fire in on my mark.” There was a pause of silence for a second, Darson shrunk back trying not to be noticed. “Fire!” Hoffman yelled at the top of his lungs.
The Basilisk fired in a roar of flame shouting the giant shell into the air. It came down directly on the front line of guants, sending burning body parts everywhere. However the other guants just ran past the smoldering crater charging toward there goal.
“Again!” Hoffman yelled as they reloaded the monstrous cannon. As the black rippling mass of claws and talons raced forward the men hurried to prepared, check and reload they’re guns and machinery as others stood ready.
This time more shells rocketed into the air blasting almost useless holes into the Tyranid army. As they were killed more filled their place, eager for blood. More and more artillery was poured at the giant force that, looked as if did nothing at all.
As the Tyranids got closer and closer the Imperial Guard stood their ground, determined to achieve victory in the name of the Emperor. But as the impending doom of the Tyranids came closer and closer you were able to see the biotitans further back surrounded by masses of guants and rippers.
“Open fire!” Hoffman yelled at the men. The all fire simultaneously smashing down the front row or clattering bones and spikes. But the second row just leaped over the others as if they had never existed without even a flinch. “Fire at will!” Hoffman shouted again with the immediate reaction from his men as they let out a spray of continuous Las and artillery fire at the Tyranids. As they newly replaced front row exploded into masses of scarlet blood they eternally raced forward, leaping and bounding over all obstacles that they encountered.
Just as the guants started to lose ground to the armada of machine rounds there was a massive burst of green gas on a troop imp. Guard, they disintegrated in the corrosive spores or the deadly gas. More sporemines rained down like sleet onto the squads or men. Guants let out deafening Hisses as they leapt on to the Guard slicing them apart with their massive scything talons.
Once the front line was gone they just poured though like a flood, engulfing men and leaping over the tanks. Then the Zoenthropes emerged through the tree line sending Purple blast throughout the mayhem.
“What are you waiting for!” Hoffman yelled at Kyptman as he pulled out
his Power sword and jumped from the car.
“I hope u have better luck than it looks like you’re having at the moment.” He said as he pressed a bottom on a small pad. Kyptman disintegrated into the air as he teleported up to the ship.
“Coward!” Hoffman yelled, “Fire!” He said as a small squad of Hoffman’s personally chosen men surrounded him and opened fire.
Darson sat in the abandoned car in shock, had Kyptman really just warped away without him! Darson panicked and leapt from the car and looked around. He saw Hoffman and the remainder of his men standing behind the truck blasting out rounds and rounds at the swarming mass of black, red and white. Darson looked the other way and ran as fast as he could toward a small hill, it probably wouldn’t save him, but he didn’t have time to think.
He looked back and saw a Carnifex lumber out of the trees impervious to anything Hoffman and his men shot at it. It assaulted a tank crushing it in it’s giant claws leaving it’s crew open for the Rippers to flow into devouring its contents.
Hoffman Fired at the alien creatures in futile. Suddenly the monstrous Hive Tyrant walked out of the woods, its Tyrant Guard holding there shields up to the pathetic gun fire. The Hive Tyranid went strait to Gen. Hoffman, The Tyrant Guards Made quick work of the rest of the men, rending their flesh from their skin and putting them to death in seconds. The Hive Tyrant bent down to eye level with Hoffman, it’s scythe like fangs larger than his head. Hoffman
Reached for his plasma pistol hoping it would somehow help, but he found he was unable to move. A Tyrant Guard had wrapped him in lash whips preventing hem from movement.
The Hive Tyrant opened its giant maw showing the true extent of its teeth, then Hoffman saw the back of the throat shine bright with green fire as he was engulfed by bioplasma.
Darson stopped and swung around when he heard a scream, one was human, it sounded as it someone had covered the mouth of the screaming person as it happened, but the other, was inhuman, it was a sharp shriek and a hiss mixed into one, it pierced his ears making them throb from the horrific sound.
When it stopped, Darson kept running toward the hill, hoping that Kyptman will remember he exists. When he reached the top he looked to the sky immediately, hoping, that he would be saved from the desolation. Then he heard a sound that sounded like the crack of thunder multiplied a hundred times. Then a huge ball of flame fell from the sky. It was the space ship Kyptman had beamed to. This Darson thought, was Armageddon.
Darson looked back to where the army once stood, not it was just black and red from the burning tanks and the mass of Tyranids feasting upon the bodies of a once proud army, that fought in the name of the great Emperor.
Darson turn to site by a tree, and wait for the doom that awaited him. But before he reached the tree, he saw something out of the corner of his eye. He swung immediately to see what it was, but there was nothing there, he turned back toward the tree, but before he could take one step he heard a hoof on the ground behind him. Once again he swung around, only to see the rising smoke from the burning vehicles. Then he saw it, the one thing you never wanted to meet in a dark ally, it was what the troops talked about, they called it “the stalker”, he knew immediately what it was, it was a lictor. The Lictor’s flesh hooks shot out like lighting, they penetrated deep into his skin, the blood flowed out with ease soaking his robes instantly. Then the Lictor swung a massive claw crushing his spine.
Written by,
Lord Lycanthrope

_________________
Do not try to escape me,
I am the Overmind.
I see,
I hear,
I smell your every movement.
You are my prey, and you shall not escape


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PostPosted: Sat Oct 02, 2004 3:31 am 
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Carnifex
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Joined: Thu Sep 23, 2004 9:58 am
Posts: 48
Location: Rotterdam, Holland.

_________________
1 x Victorious Slaughter
2 x Crushing Victory
1 x Solid Victory
0 x Defeats or draws :)
(p.86)



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PostPosted: Sat Oct 02, 2004 7:04 am 
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Joined: Fri Nov 28, 2003 8:30 am
Posts: 521
Location: Newcastle, Australia

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Cheers,
Teatime, Hivefleet Heretic

Their eyes were cold and harsh,
Which made them tough to chew...


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PostPosted: Sat Oct 02, 2004 8:40 am 
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Biomass
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Joined: Tue Sep 28, 2004 5:53 pm
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Location: Maryland, USA
Thx teatime! i'm happy to hear u liked it, i'm editing it now but i just wanted to put this post up. I'm not to sure quit what i'm going to do to the first block of text tho, so i'm going to think that one out, but i'll put in the next instalment soon!

_________________
Do not try to escape me,
I am the Overmind.
I see,
I hear,
I smell your every movement.
You are my prey, and you shall not escape


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PostPosted: Sat Oct 02, 2004 9:35 am 
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Biomass
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Joined: Tue Sep 28, 2004 5:53 pm
Posts: 13
Location: Maryland, USA
hey guys, i've updated the story! here it is, i decided not to change the second paragraph tho, i'm not sure y but i like it because it's like and exposition.

Carpathia Overrun

Michael Darson was a scribe for inquisitor Kyptman. Kyptman had been forwarded a distress call that had been received by a marine ship in the Carpathia star system. The distress call had been sent by a transport ship, it was a large cargo ship with no large armaments and not a large crew in comparison to its size.
“This is the -aptin of cargo -ip Lan-th, we ha- been b-rded. They -ave taken mo- of the
sh-p. SOS! I rep-t. S-! They’ve -aken th- bridge! We a- not I- cont-l of the -ip. SO-. We’re going
dow–“ and that was the end of the message, there was no image, it was only a voice message. Kyptman suspect that a small splinterfleat of Genestealers had boarded the ship, and that was why he was here. Kyptman had gotten General James Hoffman and his Imperial Guard to join him. Kyptman had decided to come in person to this particular event and bring Darson with him because he wanted to see if the Genestealers had evolved any significant amount more, and he had asked Darson to record anything that might happen. Darson was honored to be the scribe chosen out of the large group Kyptman had, even though he knew it was done by random. Kyptman had chosen Gen. Hoffman because of his experience with them, he had fought against them before, but he was not known to well, and that was one of the reasons why he had chosen him. So many Generals had fallen to the Tyranids by either underestimating them, or over estimating themselves.
As the force moved under the thin tree cover Darson saw the a rocky outcrop to their left, it was bigger that an outcrop, closer to a mountain, he thought. It had and ominous sense to it, but he daren’t say anything to anyone as, he was only a petty scribe and wouldn’t be taken seriously and may even be punished for questioning the inquisitors actions, and didn’t want to know what might happen to him if he was accused of such a thing. Still, he didn’t like the mountain, it almost scared him to see it there, the dark stone protruding from the trees reminded him of the desolation Tyranids could change a planet into.
“Permissions to speak freely inquisitor?” General Hoffman almost yelled in a clearly military manner.
“Granted,” Kyptman said, in a very questionable manner, almost as if he didn’t want to hear what Hoffman had to say.
“Sir, do you think all these troops are necessary? Didn’t you say it was just small splinter force?” He said, motioning his hand toward the basilisk’s giant canon.
“Hoffman,” Kyptman answered in an annoyed tone, “you can never be too sure with Tyranids. Yes, it probably is just a small group of genestealers, but I want to be sure we can take them out before they can get into close. As I’m sure you know it is highly dangerous to engage just one genestealer, even with a squad of heavily armored terminators it can be deadly.”
General Hoffman looked down of the side of the truck in disappointment, he hadn’t gotten quite the answer he was looking for, a “probably” wasn’t good enough for him. He had seen what Tyranids do to planets to, and he definitely didn’t like it.
Darson looked around him. There weren’t very any animals around that might be interesting due to the annoying rumble of large tanks and machinery, he would have liked for it to be a lot quieter, he hated noise, a major downfall for him as he lived on a hive world and had never gotten a chance to take a path through the woods witch he greatly wanted to do.
Darson looked almost hesitantly back at the mountain. It was still there, desolate and unforgiving. It seemed to stretch out far into the horizon, he could only just see where the mountain smoothed back down to the eternal forest.
As Darson was staring at the mountain. He noticed that the mountain had begun to get darker, just what he needed now, clouds. The conditions were bad enough already. Normally Darson would have welcomed rain that was not toxic like the rain on his home world, but he didn’t really want it to get any more humid than I the forest world was already. But when Darson peered toward the sky, he saw no clouds, the sky was clear, it was a bright sunny day.
The Darson realized what it was. A soldier said it first, “They’re flanking us!” He yelled.
Gen. Hoffman jumped to his binoculars, took a short glance in the direction of the shadow that immediately started shouting orders to his troops, “Okay men! They found us! Turn west!” Then he looked down to Kyptman who still sat calmly in the seat or the truck. “Large Tyranid force advancing from the west sir.”
“Do what you have to general.” He said in his calm voice.
“Back off! Las guns to the front!” He said motioning his hands to tell the troops to back away. “Basilisk! Fire in on my mark.” There was a pause of silence for a second, Darson shrunk back trying not to be noticed. “Fire!” Hoffman yelled at the top of his lungs.
The Basilisk fired in a roar of flame shouting the giant shell into the air. It came down directly on the front line of guants, sending burning body parts everywhere. However the other guants just ran past the smoldering crater charging toward there goal.
“Again!” Hoffman yelled as they reloaded the monstrous cannon. As the black rippling mass of claws and talons raced forward the men hurried to prepared, check and reload their guns and machinery as others stood ready.
This time more shells rocketed into the air blasting almost useless holes into the Tyranid army. As they were killed more filled their place, eager for blood. More and more artillery was poured at the giant force that, looked as if it was doing nothing at all.
As the Tyranids got closer and closer the Imperial Guard stood their ground, determined to achieve victory in the name of the Emperor. But as the impending doom of the Tyranids came closer and closer you were able to see the biotitans further back surrounded by masses of guants and rippers.
“Open fire!” Hoffman yelled at the men. The all fire simultaneously smashing down the front row or clattering bones and spikes. But the second row just leaped over the others as if they had never existed without even a flinch. “Fire at will!” Hoffman shouted again with the immediate reaction from his men as they let out a spray of continuous Las and artillery fire at the Tyranids. As they newly replaced front row exploded into masses of scarlet blood. But, they continued to eternally raced forward, leaping and bounding over all obstacles that they encountered.
Just as the guants started to lose ground to the armada of machine rounds, there was a massive burst of green gas on a troop imp. Guard, they disintegrated in the corrosive spores or the deadly gas. More sporemines rained down like sleet onto the squads or men. Guants let out deafening Hisses as they leapt on to the Guard slicing them apart with their massive scything talons.
Once the front line was gone, they just poured though like a black flood, engulfing men and leaping over the tanks. Then the Zoenthropes emerged through the tree line sending Purple blast throughout the mayhem.
“What are you waiting for?!” Hoffman yelled at Kyptman as he pulled out his Power sword and jumped from the car.
“I hope you have better luck than it looks like you’re having at the moment.” He said as he pressed a bottom on a small pad. Kyptman disintegrated into the air as he teleported up to the ship.
“Coward!” Hoffman yelled, “Fire!” He said as a small squad of Hoffman’s personally chosen men surrounded him and opened fire.
Darson sat in the abandoned car in shock, had Kyptman really just warped away without him?! Darson panicked and leapt from the car and looked around. He saw Hoffman and the remainder of his men standing behind the truck blasting out rounds and rounds at the swarming mass of black, red and white. Darson looked the other way and ran as fast as he could toward a small hill, it probably wouldn’t save him, but he didn’t have time to think.
He looked back and saw a Carnifex lumber out of the trees impervious to anything Hoffman and his men shot at it. It assaulted a tank crushing it in its giant claws leaving its crew open for the Rippers to flow into devouring its contents.
Hoffman Fired at the alien creatures in futile. Suddenly the monstrous Hive Tyrant walked out of the woods, its Tyrant Guard holding there shields up to the pathetic gun fire. The Hive Tyranid went strait to Gen. Hoffman, The Tyrant Guards Made quick work of the rest of the men, rending their flesh from their skin and putting them to death in seconds. The Hive Tyrant bent down to eye level with Hoffman, its sword like fangs larger than his head. Hoffman
Reached for his plasma pistol hoping it would somehow help, but he found he was unable to move. A Tyrant Guard had wrapped him in lash whips preventing him from moving.
The Hive Tyrant opened its giant maw showing the true extent of its teeth, then Hoffman saw the back of the throat shine bright with green fire as he was engulfed by bioplasma.
Darson stopped and swung around when he heard a scream, one was human, it sounded as it someone had covered the mouth of the screaming person as it happened, but the other, was inhuman, it was a sharp shriek and a hiss mixed into one, it pierced his ears making them throb from the horrific sound.
Darson held his ears and kept running toward the hill, hoping that Kyptman will remember he exists. When he reached the top, he looked to the sky immediately, hoping, that he would be saved from the desolation. Then he heard a sound that sounded like the crack of thunder multiplied a hundred times. Then a huge ball of flame fell from the sky. It was the space ship Kyptman had beamed to. This Darson thought, was Armageddon. When it hit the ground he saw the massive ball of fire turn into a giant explosion desolating the forest. Seconds later Darson felt an immense tremor shoot under him knocking him down.
Darson staggered to his feet, attempting to run at the same time. When he got to his feet he looked back to where the army once stood, not it was just black and red from the burning tanks and the mass of Tyranids feasting upon the bodies of a once proud army, that fought in the name of the great Emperor.
Darson turn to site by a tree, and wait for the doom that awaited him. But before he reached the tree, he saw something out of the corner of his eye. He swung immediately to see what it was, but there was nothing there, he turned back toward the tree, but before he could take one step he heard a hoof on the ground behind him. Once again he swung around, only to see the rising smoke from the burning vehicles. Then he saw it, the one thing you never wanted to meet in a dark ally, it was what the troops talked about, they called it “the stalker”, he knew immediately what it was, it was a lictor. The Lictor’s flesh hooks shot out like lighting, they penetrated deep into his skin, the blood flowed out with ease soaking his robes instantly. Then the Lictor swung a massive claw crushing his spine.
Written by,
Lord Lycanthrope

_________________
Do not try to escape me,
I am the Overmind.
I see,
I hear,
I smell your every movement.
You are my prey, and you shall not escape


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 Post subject:
PostPosted: Sat Oct 02, 2004 1:13 pm 
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Carnifex
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Joined: Thu Sep 23, 2004 9:58 am
Posts: 48
Location: Rotterdam, Holland.
Hey I like it ! Well done, man ! Reminds me alot of that starship troopers scene at the base. But this had a much different ending... It makes me all warm and fuzzy inside when i remind myself this is the army I play ! :) Tyranids are the best ...
The spelling could use some work yes, but i'm not one to talk when it comes to grammar :roll:
Keep it up !

_________________
1 x Victorious Slaughter
2 x Crushing Victory
1 x Solid Victory
0 x Defeats or draws :)
(p.86)



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PostPosted: Sat Oct 02, 2004 3:09 pm 
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Trygon
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Joined: Fri Jun 04, 2004 6:52 pm
Posts: 936
Location: St. Charles MO. USA
I like the story, a classic battle scene. I can only make a few suggestions and mind you I'm not a writer so take this lightly. First think of how the nids would kill something, rending flesh from bone soulds great but could be possibly more of a squish smash sorta thing. When I think of rending like you said I picture the things skinning someone. Also you might want to spend a little more time talking about the appearence and the horror felt as someone observed the beasts, may be comparing them to non living things, such as hulking armoured personel carriers and the colors of dark black steel, stuff like that. Just little things though, I like the story. :D

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PostPosted: Sun Oct 03, 2004 9:21 pm 
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Cool! Much easier read the second time through. I haven't compared differences word by word so familiarity probably contributed, nevertheless I felt it was definitely tidier. One amusing error I spotted in there: Kryptman presses a 'bottom' on a small pad to teleport :shock:

So: what happens next?

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PostPosted: Mon Oct 04, 2004 12:55 pm 
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holy crap! wow, thx for telling me that 1. wow i never would have noticed. thx teatime :oops:

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PostPosted: Mon Oct 18, 2004 12:34 pm 
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:) Very well done LL. Keep up the great work, can't wait to see what happens next :!:

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PostPosted: Thu Oct 28, 2004 6:46 pm 
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I smell your every movement.
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PostPosted: Fri Oct 29, 2004 7:08 am 
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Their eyes were cold and harsh,
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PostPosted: Sun Nov 21, 2004 4:38 pm 
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PostPosted: Wed Dec 22, 2004 1:45 pm 
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